Lydia Kris

The Grown Up Me

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  • Post 2 Cancer

    Renounce your breath. Take it back. On a sea so blank it mesmerizes. Over a mirror you can see it, see it now. Charge the utter blackness. Seize the newest seize. I come not for you, I come for the stance.

    I’ll start my posts with my blurts. It’s probably best. Better than the first post… lol. I was just a kid then. Just a few minutes ago. lol.

    So, you see, I do have some things to share. I have to get them out. These two, the first post and this, the second post blurts were just done this AM. I’m going to get some of my older works to share as I think some of them are pretty profound. But I’ll warn you… a lot of them are about ships at sea. lol. Who knows why but they are. I have no interest in ships at sea but my blurts do apparently. Fun stuff.

    I’d like to share in this post that I got the news that I have breast cancer about a week or so ago. It’s still strange to me but I’m trying to own it by saying it aloud. I see the surgeon in about 12 hours and to tell you the truth, I’m scared shitless. She is the one who will set the timeline, set the stage (and give me THE stage), set the characters in place, and set the tone.

    I’m scared because all I have is the nervous shuttling from one room to another when I got my mammogram and they found the tumor and had me take test after test. And I have the nurse calling me two days after the biopsy to nervously tell me that I had cancer and to get something to write on NOW. Like, if I didn’t hurry, the tumor would grow even larger while I took my time. She was flipping out more than I was. She even asked how I could be taking this all so calmly and I told her I just needed to get the info from her and I’m sure emotion would come later when I had a moment.

    So, there it is. I tried researching it. I stopped. I wasn’t at that stage yet. I didn’t have that investment so far. I was just numb. I didn’t want to hear stories about other people’s journeys with cancer or what the Mayo Clinic had to offer on what, how, where and why because I didn’t care at that point. Cancer just wasn’t me.

    I posted to Facebook about it (of course) and got kind words and sweet well wishes. Seeing those pushed me a little into some acceptance but then all I could think of was that I was no longer going to be seen. When people saw me they would just think ‘cancer’ and not ‘Kris’. It would be like I had grown a sign on my forehead that labeled me. I meditated on this and ended up writing on a stickie that said, ‘I am a person. I am not cancer.’ And that’s how I saw it. I didn’t want to be the poster child for cancer with all the people who knew me and in addition, all the people who would know about me because of the first set of people. Do you know what I mean? I just… blah. Can you tell this paragraph is making me a little tense? Omg, sorry. No stress. No stress.

    So, in short, I have breast cancer. And I may die. It’s the #2 leading reason women die after heart disease. So I’m finally getting my Will, etc. done. So, there’s that. lol. I’ve got three sisters and they and their children get everything even though they all hate me – no joke. But, about 1/2 of what I own are our parents’ things so I’m sure they’d be interested in getting the stuff and they may even be interested in the house and liquidating that sucker. There’s some money that. Who knows, but they’re all I have. I was going to donate everything to the Alzheimer’s Association because my Mom died of Alzheimer’s but I can’t deny my family their heirlooms. Even those little shits (they’re young adults now) who glare hatefully at me when they see me. Thanks, parents. My once best friends.

    Ah, to live, to die. Whichever. I suppose they’re one and the same, save Heaven. ‘Imagine there’s no Heaven. It’s easy if you try. No hell below us. Above us, only sky.’ John Lennon, you punkin, you. You little philosopher. Yes, I know he’s dead. Shut it. lol. I’m one of those anti-Yoko Ono, even if I don’t know the whole story. Go figure. I think I’ll have her songs played at my funeral. Haha ha.

    So, I just realized that this is a long-ass post. Let’s quit then, aye?

    Love you all and thanks for reading. Kris

  • Post 1

    Sitting here with my Audrey Hepburn hair and my Nag Champa incense going on and feeling the vibe to write this first post.

    I’ve been having an awesome time decorating my bungalow floor to ceiling with art – some of mine, some of my Dad’s and some of the Masters. There’s no rhyme or reason for a theme yet but I’ll get there, I’m sure.

    There’s a lot of light pastel colors in the majority of them so I’m acting all artsy fartsy… (Wait a sec… I have to tell the laptop to learn the spelling of fartsy. ‘eye roll’) and I’m trying to put them in a pattern that the observer won’t recognize right away. That their immediate eye would see the anchor piece and those around it but would miss the swoosh of pastels in there because they’d have to back up to see the whole picture.

    Many don’t do this in a gallery much less in life, no? It takes some practice and some hard earned patience to get that down and even then it wouldn’t be all the time. Life skills. You pat yourself on the back when you get them but then forget them until you need them again and then they are not as potent as they were when you learned them. And who practices them on their off-time? And then it goes around in a circle and then more circles and ta-da, you need to learn that sucker again. Wait… what are we even talking about? That was a fly-away paragraph and it has soared and are we lost? Mmm….well, maybe not… so much.

    Anywho, that was boring. I was talking about decorating. I love it. After I made my living room an art gallery I decorated for Christmas. It is so beautiful! And it is just early November! Haha ha. It’s fun to say that. People lose their shit when you say you decorated for Christmas before Thanksgiving. And I think that’s funny.

    Want to know what else is funny? Googly eyes. When people put them on things to make faces or add faces, etc.. It is hilarious. That’s my sense of humor. I’m a child. Wait, wtf? Excuse me for a sec. I keep seeing notices from Apple charging my account for something. Yes, this post is so shallow that I need to divert your attention to something outside and stupid. But I really am gonna take a sec so I just wanted you to know that I probably would forget what we were talking about. But that’s probably for the best anyway.

    Back. Apple is a dick and that’s all I’ll say. So, have you ever had the feeling that you were having an out-of-body experience? Where you thought you were someone else or you were floating around or you were looking down at yourself doing shit? And this is not on drugs – illegal or OTC. It can be in your dreams. I have a recurring dream that I am floating around myself and asking people if I’m in hell. The conditions are fine. There’s no fire or brimstone. But I keep asking people that. It’s like we’re in a business atmosphere. That says it all, doesn’t it? Ha ha. But no, that doesn’t factor in except to give you a sense of the place. I wake up and just think about the dream, no worries, just go ‘huh’ and then move on about my day, so it’s not a shocker dream. Just a weird wtf.

    Okay, okay, okay… this is my first post so I need to calm down. I have said nothing of value and I’m hoping you won’t hold that against me. I’m a tad nervous. So, here’s what I have:

    Default to here. It’s not for a share. Those who wouldn’t mind mind now. Be prolific. Jab to the right. All is not lost. Hang the rivers out to dry. Go to the front lines and talk. That is for naught. It wouldn’t be anyway.

    Love to you all and thanks for reading! Kris

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